Cancer

Cancer is a horrible thing. Everyone knows it. It's not an opinion, it's not a guess, it's a fact. It has the ability to destroy beautiful things. It has the ability to destroy lives, families, anyone and everyone who comes in its path. It has the ability to destroy the things God has created. There's not a whole lot else that has that ability besides the weather and man-made things. Cancer is small, yet it has extreme power. Cancer is a monster; as some of my friends on Facebook call it 'the Monster.' I hate cancer with every bone in my body.

As I sit here (well actually lay here since I am typing this on my phone in bed) I realize that at times cancer can be like satan. Satan is a thief; he steals, kills and destroys (John 10:10). Cancer is small, so is satan. Cancer attacks with life-threatening force, so does satan. Satan preys on the weak, so does cancer. Satan never gives up, neither does cancer. Satan is stupid, so is cancer. Satan tries to take over your life, he tries to make you feel worthless. Cancer tries to weaken your life; it makes your body feel helpless. But in the mist of it all, no matter what or who is attacking you, God is always there.

Often times cancer is unexplainable, untreatable; cancer appears with no warning; the threat is so great, you no longer have power. Those with cancer often have to let others take control; they have to ask for help, seek options, and wait in anticipation. But they do it with hope. They wait in anticipation that a treatment will work; that a cure will come. They have family, friends, doctors, fellow patients, and survivors with them every step of the way. They have God carrying them every step of the way, whether they believe it or not. Their hope is in the future; that a cure will come, that their health will improve. Even when cancer is causing them to feel exhausted and helpless, they have hope. Satan steals our hope; cancer intensifies it.

Cancer has been cruel to us this year. Between my mom's battle earlier this year and two little friends currently battling the Monster. One little friend just found out that his cancer has returned stronger and more widespread than when he was first diagnosed in 2009. He is only 9 and his cancer is ravishing his little body yet again. The doctors and his parents are trying their hardest to find a treatment plan that will work because the last one was unsuccessful. His parents are searching and praying that something will work; that some clinical trial will work; that cancer won’t take their son away from them. My heart breaks for them every time I read one of their posts on Facebook and Caringbridge. Our bodies aren’t meant to endure that amount of sickness and pain that comes with cancer and treatment. I am sure they are asking the same questions as I did when both Sarah and my mom were diagnosed. I am sure they are asking lots of 'why' questions. I know how difficult it was to watch my sister and my mom go through it; I can’t imagine having to watch my child go through it, let alone twice in a few years. But through it all I am amazed at their strength and hope. Obviously they are hurting, sad and frustrated but their hope is in God; they believe in the power of prayer and the power of God. They have hope; they have strength; they have support. Satan is attacking them and they are fighting against him with all their might; they are trying to resist his overwhelming presence. They are choosing not to be overpowered; they are choosing to have faith in God. Faith makes the hardest times in life, that much easier.

I ask that all my friends please pray for the Jostad’s and Ethan while he fights hard.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

Family

I have always believed that your family isn't just the one you were born into, it's the one you create for yourself. Some may say that is silly; that family are those who share your name, but I don’t think that’s the only case of family. I don’t know why I believe this or where it came from. Maybe it came from my mom who never really cared about the lines of family. She didn’t have the easiest childhood or the closest family growing up. Her family where those that she cared about and that cared about her. We were her family, our friends were her family, her gymnastics friends were her family. She may have started out with a small family, but I know she passed knowing she had a large family that loved her.

I like to think I have many families too; the first is the most obvious, the one I was born in to; then there are the Durkee's, the ones that 'adopted' us almost 22 years ago; then there are the Nuss's, the ones that 'adopted' me when I was in elementary school; then comes our Living Waters Church family, the one we joined around 17 years ago; and next comes the circle of friends we’ve surrounded ourselves with over the years, the ones who have stood by through the thick and thin.

When we moved to the Rogue Valley 22 years ago this June, my mom started working at the local gym (I can’t remember if it was Mega or Flip City then). It was then we met the Durkee’s, Howard and Judy and their three girls Amanda, Angela, and Audra. They started babysitting me very shortly after so my mom could coach without me being at the gym. I, as well as Jeremy and Sarah, spent every week day over there growing up until I started high school. It didn’t take long for them to go from our friends to our family; my second parents, my sisters (and their husbands), and my nieces and nephews. We have been through literally everything with them; birthdays, holidays, family celebrations, births, deaths, Sarah’s treatment, my mom’s treatment, her death. They are part of our family.

I met my bestie Angela and her family when we were in first grade at GCS and they have been like family to me ever since. She’s my bestie, my sister; her brother is my other brother; her parents are my third set of parents. We have been through so much together; many birthday’s, holiday’s, family celebrations, trials, silly fights in middle school (ha). They were there for me when Sarah was going through treatment; they let me stay with them many times when my parents went to Portland for her. I’ve had many sleepovers and many memories with them over the last 16 years. Growing up they always had the best cereal at their house, the kind with lots of sugar, and on Saturday’s when I’d stay the night we’d almost always have donuts for breakfast. I always liked staying the night…and I still do. Haha. They are part of my family.

Our LW family is amazing. We are so blessed to have had all of those amazing people in our lives the last 17 years. I have met many wonderful friends there over the years; friends who are there for me no matter what, friends who feel like my big sisters. They are all the most supportive, loving, kind, wonderful people. They are prayer warriors. They are intercessors. I have so many memories from Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights, and summer and winter camps. LW is my home church, forever and always. They are part of our family.

Our friends are wonderful; my friends are wonderful. Many of our/my friends I consider to be more like family. Our family friends have been there with us through all of life’s ups and down. Friends who have stood by me through everything; my friends who have held my hand through everything; my friends you let me cry on their shoulders or vent when I need to. My friends, both old and new, have stayed by my side these last few months. They are amazing, kind, fun, supportive, loving, and hilarious. They are part of our family.

If the last few months have taught me anything, it’s that family is one of the most important things in life. Family has no definite lines. If I didn’t have the family above, I wouldn’t have survived the last few months.

Who

When your world is shaken to the core

Who do you turn to?

When the life you knew is shattered to pieces

Who do you turn to?

Do you turn to family?

Do you turn to friends?

Do you turn to God?

Do you turn away?

Favorites

Wish

My mom was not one to throw things away, whether it was papers, clothing, toys, etc; everything had a memory, everything needed to be kept for a ‘reason’. Many of those reasons we don’t know now. I wish she was here so I could ask her why. On one hand I am so glad there are things she chose to keep, like many of our baby clothes, toys and furniture; on the other hand it’s making cleaning more difficult. We have bins and bins full of things for our kids some day.

I wish she was still here so I could ask her all the things I never got a chance to. I wish she was here so she could teach me more things. I wish I would’ve learned to sow; there are clothes she was supposed to fix but never got a free moment to. Many times in the last few months I’ve thought of something I need to ask her; something about laundry, something about meds, something about life, but I haven't been able to, I'll never be able to again. We'll never be able to hear her voice or her laugh again. She'll never be all able to laugh at me for something silly that I said. I'll never hear her laugh at me for buying a new purse or shoes.

I wish she was still here.

I wish I could give her a hug.

I wish I could get a hug from her.

I wish we could watch our tv shows together.

I wish we could go shopping together.

I wish we could have lunch together.

I wish she was still here.

I found my mom's 1989 day planner (the year of changes), my first Nike shoes, my first bunny, my favorite toys, my baby clothes, my baby blankets, my yellow polka dot bikini (lol), my awards from school and gymnastics, pictures, art work, and much much more. :)

Gone

Your life can change in an instant

Your hope shattered in a second

Your faith shaken in a minute

The life you thought you knew gone forever

Wishing time could just rewind

Returning you to a place of comfort and joy

When your family was complete

But you stand you looking around at the memories collected

Wondering how you can make new ones

When the one person you loved the most is gone forever

You

I know I am weak

I know You’re mighty

I know I am frail

I know You’re unbreakable

I know I am fearful

I know You’re fearless

I know I make mistakes

I know You forgive

I know I’ve hated

I know You  love

I know I’ve been kicked down

I know You picked up

I know I am limited

I know You’re infinite

I know I am broken

I know You complete

Birthday

Today I turn 22 and I am missing my mommy like crazy. She’d always wish me Happy Birthday and give me a hug. It’s so hard thinking about how that will never happen again. I hate that she isn’t here to celebrate with me today. Normally she’d surprise me with a coffee drink today; sometimes we’d go to lunch. In honor of my birthday I posted a few pictures.

I am twenty-two today

I’ll always be your little Kay

I became yours at 9:29

Your heart will always be in mine

I miss getting a hug from you

I guess a smile down from Heaven will do

Today is my first birthday without you

It’s hard but it’s true too

I know it won’t be my last

But I hope the years go by fast

One day we will celebrate again

Time...

I haven’t posted in awhile, mainly because I don’t really know what to say…or maybe it’s because I have too much to say and not the right words to say it. Three weeks later I still don’t know how exactly to put into words how I am feeling besides hurt. The weeks have seemed surreal, like they aren't really mine, like I am living someone else's life while mine is frozen in time, like I was put in someone else's body and I am living their life, going through their sorrow.

This month has been hard so far and it’s only the middle of it. Between all our family birthdays this month, including mine, it makes me miss my mom even more. We did our traditional Selland-Durkee March birthday’s celebration last Sunday. It was hard her not being there but it was good to celebrate with family, to continue on a tradition we’ve done for years. It’s nice to remember the good times with family; the funny stories seem even more funny when we tell them in remembrance.

We’ve been doing a lot of house cleaning. Going through all of our things, trying to figure out what to keep and what to give away has been fun but hard. It’s fun to look back and remember the past times, to remember the clothes we wore as little kids, the toys we played with, the memories. But knowing that my mom won’t be there in the future makes it hard.

I’ve found some really fun things from the past:

~my mom’s 1989 day planner with all of her important dates and events on it. Every gymnastics meet, doctors appointment, each week she counted the weeks until I was born, my day of birth, my due date, the day we moved to Medford, the day my parents started new jobs and we met our extended family :)

~my first Nike’s

~one of my favorite Christmas dresses from when I was a baby

~lots of other baby stuff to save for my own kids

The amount of love and support we've been shown has been overwhelmingly great. I knew my mom was loved; that was evident by the fact that we couldn't go anywhere withouth someone recognizing her or her recognizing them; she'd always find someone to talk to, someone to hug. I know our family is greatly loved, but the amount of support and kindess we've received is unthinkable. I am so grateful for our friends and family, for my friends who have stood by my side the last few weeks.

Mom

My heart is sad today. This morning at 5:30 the world lost a wonderful mother, wife, friend, servant, leader, teacher, coach, & judge. I am so sad she is no longer here with us; I will miss you for the rest of my life. I am so happy she is no longer in pain and she’s celebrating with Jesus. It brings me joy to know that we will see her again someday soon and spend eternity rejoicing and praising Him. I am so happy that she has been restored to new and her body feels young again…I bet she’s doing cartwheels, back flips and handsprings right now all over Heaven. Next time we have thunder, I am sure that’s her.

As much as we all wanted and needed her here with us, Jesus needed her in Heaven more. He probably decided it was about time Heaven got a gymnastics team (the Heavenly Tumblers maybe? hehe) so obviously He wanted the best coach and judge for the job; that is my mom.

My mom was an amazing woman; she was so kind, gentle, patient and wonderful. I am so amazed at her patience; after how wild us three kids were when we were little I am surprised she remained so patient all those years. Not many people liked watching us because we were all so hyper; yet she remained so calm all those years. She was the most amazing gymnastics coach and judge, swim teacher, teacher, and cheerleader for Jeremy, Sarah and I. She had such a special personality that made everyone feel at ease when they were around her.

She was always so proud of us three kids in whatever we did. She would get so happy when we got A’s in school or best times in swimming. She was always there cheering us on at swim meets, soccer games, ballet recitals, and track meets. She was almost always the first one to give us a hug after a race at a swim meet.

She was the most amazing mom. She helped me so much my first three years in college trying to figure out all my classes and scholarship stuff. She would surprise me before I left for school with coffee drinks from Human Bean or Starbucks or yummy lunches after I got home from school. I had so much fun going shopping with her; she’d always laugh when I wanted to buy shoes or another sweater, purse or scarf. Apparently someone can own too many of those; who knew. Over the years here were many nights each week we would stay up and watch our shows together or as a family; The West Wing, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, The Big Bang Theory, Psych, Monk, and many more. Every time I watch an episode I’ll think of you. Every time I buy shoes, a scarf or purse I’ll think of you laughing at me and saying something like ‘Does someone really need that many? You only wear one at a time.’ Every time I drink a caramel macchiato from Starbucks I’ll think of you. Every time I wear the color red I’ll think of you. Every time I go to the coast, the zoo or the aquariam I’ll think of you. Every time I pass that one mountain on I5 where the mountain goats live I’ll think of you and the many many times growing up you’d have us all look out the window and search for those little goats. Every time I go to a gymnastics meet I’ll think of you and your amazing dedication to that sport for the last 30+ years.

I can’t wait until I have kids of my own and I can tell them all about their wonderful Grandmother who would have loved to meet them. I’ll tell them all about the wonderful times we had growing up. My first daughter will be named after you, Hilarie Lynne, the most amazing mom ever. Her name will be Emalynne Hilarie Rose. I hope our brown eyes will carry on to her, so every time I look in her eyes I’ll think of you and your peaceful brown eyes.

I love you mommy and I’ll never forget you. You will be my own special guardian angel watching over me. Don't worry about us down here; we will all get by. We have family and friends who love you and us very much and will be here when we need them. I have my Judy mommy and my Vicky mommy too; they can never replace you and your place in my heart, but I know they will do the best mothering they can.

Some of my favorite memories:

-Growing we spent many times driving up and down I5 going to swim meets, soccer games, Portland, and the coast. Every time we’d pass a field full of animals, whether it was horses, sheep, cows, etc, you’d have all look for a baby animal. We all scream and get so excited if we found a baby.

-My senior year I so badly wanted an iPod but my you and dad wouldn’t buy me one. High School swimming districts was coming up so you told me if I won one of my races you’d give me some money to help pay for my iPod; you told me I couldn’t tell dad though. Lol. I won my 100 freestyle race and you kept your word; I got my iPod.

-I love how you were always there cheering us on at swim meets; you were almost always the first one to give us a hug after a race. Whenever I swam backstroke and was put in the first or last lane, you were always walking right alongside me cheering me on and smiling your wonderful smile.

-I remember all of our many adventures with the Durkee’s, whether those adventures where here in the valley, in Portland, at the coast, or down at the Copco Lake cabin, you always loved spending time with our whole 'family' together.

-I remember our many Christmas and birthday celebrations with all the Selland’s and Durkee’s. Our family has grown a lot since we moved to the valley when I was a baby; it started with 3 Selland’s and 5 Durkee’s now we have 5 Selland’s and 12 Durkee’s and our ‘family’ will only continue to grow. You have the best view now; you get to see it all from Heaven.

-I remember you teaching me how to drive. I got so traumatized that first time trying to drive the van so we decided the Saturn was easier to learn on. Every time I’d drive with you in the passenger seat you’d unknowingly pretend you had a brake pedal over on your side. I’d get so annoyed with you slamming your foot down acting like you were trying to brake if I didn’t slow down fast enough but every time we’d laugh about it.

-You always would make fun of me for asking my silly, stupid questions. I am going to miss that.
-I will always remember the funny stories that Amanda, Angela and Audra tell of when I was younger and they would babysit me. They have such great stories of you.

Faith...

How can we have complete trust and confidence in something or someone? How can we trust God when we cannot see him? We can see his workings, we can see his love and goodness, but we cannot see him. How are we supposed to trust someone we cannot see? How can we have faith when the world around us is falling apart? Faith is difficult to define. Faith is sometimes difficult to have. Faith is not about knowing the answers though, faith is about trusting; we trust in God because we know he’s there even if we can’t see him. We know he’s around us, protecting us, loving us, we just can’t physically see him. Faith is giving up control of your life and giving it to someone else, to God. Faith is trust. Faith is love.

For some people having faith comes easy; for others it is far more difficult. For some, like me, it’s hard because my head and my heart rarely seem to agree on something. My heart has faith; my heart believes that things will work out; my heart believes that God is in control and he has a plan, even if we can’t see it now. My head, on the other hand, does not; it has a mind of its own and likes to think way too much. If you know me well, you know this; you know my mind is constantly moving, it rarely ever wants to rest. My head likes to over think things. My heart has peace, but my head does not.

During times like these, times of the unknown, the scary, the complicated, my head tends to overpower my heart.  My over thinking overpowers the peace in my heart. It’s hard right now to have faith; to trust God and to trust that his plan is the right one when deep down my head doesn’t think it is. My head wants to know why; why this, why now, why again, why my family, why my mom. Those whys overpower the peace in my heart; it makes my heart restless.

A longtime family friend came a couple weeks ago to visit and spend time with my mom; as I stood crying in her arms, I kept asking why. She said to stop asking God why; he knows why, so we don’t have to; he has a plan, even if we can't see it; we will all learn something and grow from this hard time; we will all make it through; we will all come out on the other end stronger than before; we will all become closer to each other and to God. Faith is about trust.

A friend of my mom’s gave me this verse a week ago: “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12. I have heard/read this verse many times over the years, but hearing it now was what I really needed. I need to be joyful in my hope for his plan to be a good one; I need to be joyful as I await his plan for my future. I need to be patient in times like these because God is working. I need to be faithful in prayer; God knows my hearts desires.

I am not saying that my heart isn't hurting, because trust me is a lot; I am saying my heart is more at peace than my head; my heart trusts God more than my head right now. I am still working on having faith during this difficult time, but my heart knows God has a plan, so I am trusting him that this plan will be a good one. Eventually my head will follow too.

 

“God is good, all the time.”

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." James 1:3

“Faith is reason grown courageous.” Sherwood Eddy

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” J.R.R. Tolkien

“Every tomorrow has two handles.  We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith.” Author Unknown

 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.” Martin Luther King Jr.

“Faith makes things possible, not easy.” Author Unknown

"Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." Lamentations 3:23

“Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel.” Author Unknown

“Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.” Author Unknown

A New Adventure

I am embarking on a new adventure…starting a blog. I have wanted to start one for awhile, but never felt like it was the right time until now. This blog will be filled with adventures, ramblings, stories, pictures, random things, etc. I like to talk…a lot…but I will try to limit myself and not go overboard on postings : )