One year...

Well it’s been eight months since I’ve posted on here. I really need to keep up with this. I’ve done a lot of writing but nothing has made it on here until now...

Today marks one year since my mom gained her angel wings; one year since our lives changed forever; one year since the last time I talked to her. One year ago today the world lost a wonderful wife, mother, friend, servant, leader, teacher, coach, & judge. One year ago today Heaven gained another special angel; an angel who will look after us for the rest of our lives.

A lot has changed in a year…I graduated college, went on a nice vacation to Hawaii, and got a job; Jeremy started going to SOU and hopefully will get into the Naval Academy; Sarah started high school and soon will be driving (yikes!). I wish my mom was here to see all of that.

On the other hand a lot has stayed the same. I still hate cancer with a burning passion; I hate what it does to people I love; I hate what it does to good, kind, decent, wonderful people who spent their lives making a difference.

I spent the day honoring my mom. I went to Starbucks and got a Caramel Macchiato (one of her favorite drinks). I went shopping at the mall. We went on many shopping trips together over the years. I could last for hours shopping and she’d always be ready to leave after an hour but she’d stay and shop with me. I got a lemon cookie from the cookie connection (one of her favorite cookies). I decided to start a tradition; every year on the anniversary I will buy something red (her favorite color). This year I bought I red polka-dot hair clip. I bought some vanilla perfume (one of her favorite scents) and some Rolos (one of her favorite candies). It was a good day remembering my mommy.

I can’t help but wonder what this second year will hold. What changes lay ahead. I know this year will be a year of fresh starts and new beginnings. I know of 10+ little babies being born this next year (and hopefully a few more), a few weddings, and a few moves. I am done with college now and embarking on a new adventure, the real world haha. I wonder what other crazy, fun adventures God has in store for me and the ones I love… J

Cancer

Cancer is a horrible thing. Everyone knows it. It's not an opinion, it's not a guess, it's a fact. It has the ability to destroy beautiful things. It has the ability to destroy lives, families, anyone and everyone who comes in its path. It has the ability to destroy the things God has created. There's not a whole lot else that has that ability besides the weather and man-made things. Cancer is small, yet it has extreme power. Cancer is a monster; as some of my friends on Facebook call it 'the Monster.' I hate cancer with every bone in my body.

As I sit here (well actually lay here since I am typing this on my phone in bed) I realize that at times cancer can be like satan. Satan is a thief; he steals, kills and destroys (John 10:10). Cancer is small, so is satan. Cancer attacks with life-threatening force, so does satan. Satan preys on the weak, so does cancer. Satan never gives up, neither does cancer. Satan is stupid, so is cancer. Satan tries to take over your life, he tries to make you feel worthless. Cancer tries to weaken your life; it makes your body feel helpless. But in the mist of it all, no matter what or who is attacking you, God is always there.

Often times cancer is unexplainable, untreatable; cancer appears with no warning; the threat is so great, you no longer have power. Those with cancer often have to let others take control; they have to ask for help, seek options, and wait in anticipation. But they do it with hope. They wait in anticipation that a treatment will work; that a cure will come. They have family, friends, doctors, fellow patients, and survivors with them every step of the way. They have God carrying them every step of the way, whether they believe it or not. Their hope is in the future; that a cure will come, that their health will improve. Even when cancer is causing them to feel exhausted and helpless, they have hope. Satan steals our hope; cancer intensifies it.

Cancer has been cruel to us this year. Between my mom's battle earlier this year and two little friends currently battling the Monster. One little friend just found out that his cancer has returned stronger and more widespread than when he was first diagnosed in 2009. He is only 9 and his cancer is ravishing his little body yet again. The doctors and his parents are trying their hardest to find a treatment plan that will work because the last one was unsuccessful. His parents are searching and praying that something will work; that some clinical trial will work; that cancer won’t take their son away from them. My heart breaks for them every time I read one of their posts on Facebook and Caringbridge. Our bodies aren’t meant to endure that amount of sickness and pain that comes with cancer and treatment. I am sure they are asking the same questions as I did when both Sarah and my mom were diagnosed. I am sure they are asking lots of 'why' questions. I know how difficult it was to watch my sister and my mom go through it; I can’t imagine having to watch my child go through it, let alone twice in a few years. But through it all I am amazed at their strength and hope. Obviously they are hurting, sad and frustrated but their hope is in God; they believe in the power of prayer and the power of God. They have hope; they have strength; they have support. Satan is attacking them and they are fighting against him with all their might; they are trying to resist his overwhelming presence. They are choosing not to be overpowered; they are choosing to have faith in God. Faith makes the hardest times in life, that much easier.

I ask that all my friends please pray for the Jostad’s and Ethan while he fights hard.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

Family

I have always believed that your family isn't just the one you were born into, it's the one you create for yourself. Some may say that is silly; that family are those who share your name, but I don’t think that’s the only case of family. I don’t know why I believe this or where it came from. Maybe it came from my mom who never really cared about the lines of family. She didn’t have the easiest childhood or the closest family growing up. Her family where those that she cared about and that cared about her. We were her family, our friends were her family, her gymnastics friends were her family. She may have started out with a small family, but I know she passed knowing she had a large family that loved her.

I like to think I have many families too; the first is the most obvious, the one I was born in to; then there are the Durkee's, the ones that 'adopted' us almost 22 years ago; then there are the Nuss's, the ones that 'adopted' me when I was in elementary school; then comes our Living Waters Church family, the one we joined around 17 years ago; and next comes the circle of friends we’ve surrounded ourselves with over the years, the ones who have stood by through the thick and thin.

When we moved to the Rogue Valley 22 years ago this June, my mom started working at the local gym (I can’t remember if it was Mega or Flip City then). It was then we met the Durkee’s, Howard and Judy and their three girls Amanda, Angela, and Audra. They started babysitting me very shortly after so my mom could coach without me being at the gym. I, as well as Jeremy and Sarah, spent every week day over there growing up until I started high school. It didn’t take long for them to go from our friends to our family; my second parents, my sisters (and their husbands), and my nieces and nephews. We have been through literally everything with them; birthdays, holidays, family celebrations, births, deaths, Sarah’s treatment, my mom’s treatment, her death. They are part of our family.

I met my bestie Angela and her family when we were in first grade at GCS and they have been like family to me ever since. She’s my bestie, my sister; her brother is my other brother; her parents are my third set of parents. We have been through so much together; many birthday’s, holiday’s, family celebrations, trials, silly fights in middle school (ha). They were there for me when Sarah was going through treatment; they let me stay with them many times when my parents went to Portland for her. I’ve had many sleepovers and many memories with them over the last 16 years. Growing up they always had the best cereal at their house, the kind with lots of sugar, and on Saturday’s when I’d stay the night we’d almost always have donuts for breakfast. I always liked staying the night…and I still do. Haha. They are part of my family.

Our LW family is amazing. We are so blessed to have had all of those amazing people in our lives the last 17 years. I have met many wonderful friends there over the years; friends who are there for me no matter what, friends who feel like my big sisters. They are all the most supportive, loving, kind, wonderful people. They are prayer warriors. They are intercessors. I have so many memories from Sunday mornings, Wednesday nights, and summer and winter camps. LW is my home church, forever and always. They are part of our family.

Our friends are wonderful; my friends are wonderful. Many of our/my friends I consider to be more like family. Our family friends have been there with us through all of life’s ups and down. Friends who have stood by me through everything; my friends who have held my hand through everything; my friends you let me cry on their shoulders or vent when I need to. My friends, both old and new, have stayed by my side these last few months. They are amazing, kind, fun, supportive, loving, and hilarious. They are part of our family.

If the last few months have taught me anything, it’s that family is one of the most important things in life. Family has no definite lines. If I didn’t have the family above, I wouldn’t have survived the last few months.

Who

When your world is shaken to the core

Who do you turn to?

When the life you knew is shattered to pieces

Who do you turn to?

Do you turn to family?

Do you turn to friends?

Do you turn to God?

Do you turn away?

Favorites

Wish

My mom was not one to throw things away, whether it was papers, clothing, toys, etc; everything had a memory, everything needed to be kept for a ‘reason’. Many of those reasons we don’t know now. I wish she was here so I could ask her why. On one hand I am so glad there are things she chose to keep, like many of our baby clothes, toys and furniture; on the other hand it’s making cleaning more difficult. We have bins and bins full of things for our kids some day.

I wish she was still here so I could ask her all the things I never got a chance to. I wish she was here so she could teach me more things. I wish I would’ve learned to sow; there are clothes she was supposed to fix but never got a free moment to. Many times in the last few months I’ve thought of something I need to ask her; something about laundry, something about meds, something about life, but I haven't been able to, I'll never be able to again. We'll never be able to hear her voice or her laugh again. She'll never be all able to laugh at me for something silly that I said. I'll never hear her laugh at me for buying a new purse or shoes.

I wish she was still here.

I wish I could give her a hug.

I wish I could get a hug from her.

I wish we could watch our tv shows together.

I wish we could go shopping together.

I wish we could have lunch together.

I wish she was still here.

I found my mom's 1989 day planner (the year of changes), my first Nike shoes, my first bunny, my favorite toys, my baby clothes, my baby blankets, my yellow polka dot bikini (lol), my awards from school and gymnastics, pictures, art work, and much much more. :)

Gone

Your life can change in an instant

Your hope shattered in a second

Your faith shaken in a minute

The life you thought you knew gone forever

Wishing time could just rewind

Returning you to a place of comfort and joy

When your family was complete

But you stand you looking around at the memories collected

Wondering how you can make new ones

When the one person you loved the most is gone forever