I haven’t posted in awhile, mainly because I don’t really know what to say…or maybe it’s because I have too much to say and not the right words to say it. Three weeks later I still don’t know how exactly to put into words how I am feeling besides hurt. The weeks have seemed surreal, like they aren't really mine, like I am living someone else's life while mine is frozen in time, like I was put in someone else's body and I am living their life, going through their sorrow.
This month has been hard so far and it’s only the middle of it. Between all our family birthdays this month, including mine, it makes me miss my mom even more. We did our traditional Selland-Durkee March birthday’s celebration last Sunday. It was hard her not being there but it was good to celebrate with family, to continue on a tradition we’ve done for years. It’s nice to remember the good times with family; the funny stories seem even more funny when we tell them in remembrance.
We’ve been doing a lot of house cleaning. Going through all of our things, trying to figure out what to keep and what to give away has been fun but hard. It’s fun to look back and remember the past times, to remember the clothes we wore as little kids, the toys we played with, the memories. But knowing that my mom won’t be there in the future makes it hard.
I’ve found some really fun things from the past:
~my mom’s 1989 day planner with all of her important dates and events on it. Every gymnastics meet, doctors appointment, each week she counted the weeks until I was born, my day of birth, my due date, the day we moved to Medford, the day my parents started new jobs and we met our extended family :)
~my first Nike’s
~one of my favorite Christmas dresses from when I was a baby
~lots of other baby stuff to save for my own kids
The amount of love and support we've been shown has been overwhelmingly great. I knew my mom was loved; that was evident by the fact that we couldn't go anywhere withouth someone recognizing her or her recognizing them; she'd always find someone to talk to, someone to hug. I know our family is greatly loved, but the amount of support and kindess we've received is unthinkable. I am so grateful for our friends and family, for my friends who have stood by my side the last few weeks.
